A Conspiracy of Competence
This week's exclusive column for paid subscribers: If only conspiracy theories were true; why legalising drugs is boring. And the art of the crank call.
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A Conspiracy of Competence
Kakistocracy (n) government by the worst, the least competent, the least scrupulous
Recently, whilst drowsing away the evening in a disreputable boozer in which requesting a treble gin doesn’t induce cardiac arrest in one’s hosts, I met an interesting chap.
We shared a few jokes about the insipid Keir Starmer, the tiresome Angela Rayner, the oleaginous Wes Streeting. We joked about West Ham’s unfunny misfortunes. We mocked a young lad who let the entire postcode know he was drinking non-alcoholic beer.
And then, having exhausted the marginalia, we swivelled our heads toward the football on the screen above.
My disposal friend turned toward me. He confided: “You know why them Americans got the World Cup this year, duntcha?”
“No,” I said. “Why?”
“Fink-a-bad-it…”
I thought about it. America. The world’s sole superpower. The richest, most powerful, most culturally hegemonic nation on earth and indeed ever. I considered their resplendent stadia, their 350 million citizens, their gaudy, undeniable wealth, and their infuriating ability to make even the most humdrum event entertaining.
“I’m not quite sure…” I said.
My disposable friend enjoyed my studied cluelessness.
“The Jews. Mate, them Jews run everyfink.”
